It’s kinda great that I was able to hide my depressed feeling for all time being. Realizing that I have been in this state since several months ago, I keep doing all my chores obediently and silently. Smiling, laughing as usual, and sitting in classrooms like nothing has ever happened. And last night I found out that I couldn’t take it anymore. Everything doesn’t seem to work out right recently. What am I doing? What are they doing? How can they be so ignorant? When did the last time I hang out with them? Am I living the right way?
I am feeling like everyone is counting on me… more and more… and I was just full of spirit to accept their wish, hoping that I would do good deeds for them by then. And it turned out that I am feeling like a horrible person with anger inside, thinking that they are actually using me for their own benefits. Unable to suppress these angers, I hurt myself deliberately by keep studying, killing all those feelings, hoping that I would not have to sin more than those bad thoughts I had in my mind.
And suddenly I found out that I love studying (well, I already knew it since I was small), but now I do it in quite extreme way, they said. And then, they were like stop asking me to go out, saying that we don’t have time together due to different schedule. Every time I tried to talk to them, they look at me like I am a geek, not being able to understand their culture where they won’t have any ‘programming’ topic in their daily conversation, forever…. I actually have a lot I want to tell them, but they won’t just listen to me… saying all those compliments to stop me… I’M SICK OF IT. I have actually talk to them regarding this, and yeah, they listened and explained that I was wrong if I felt like forgotten, they have not forgotten me, they just don’t have time to go out with me. Well, so, I go out with another friend. Okay, so this problem solved then.
I thought I was living in environment where I could share same interests, the truth is, well,… no. they are more interested in satisfying themselves with games and stuff, with clothes and stuff, with malls and stuff. Being ignorant with their lessons being taught, blaming their lecturer for not teaching them well, and at the end of the semester, come to me and begging me to teach them. I should be more than happy that someone needs my help, shouldn’t I? If I feel annoyed by that, does it mean that I am being a bad person? Like, I’m not willing to share my knowledge or something like that?
I realized that I have tried harder than all of them. They laugh happily during school break, while I sit with others studying for the quiz. They hang out during those happy Saturday, forgetting their final exams that are going to come by soon on Thursday, while I was sitting in front of my laptop, reviewing the lesson. What are they doing? They played all days! And they dare to ask for help?? I can’t be as mean as my other friend, who frankly rejected to teach them…
But thanks God, my house is so far-far away; at least, they are not coming to my house. I would actually teach them if they come to my house, but they don’t even want to sacrifice their time to come to my house, yeah, so it’s their suffering. I don’t care anymore.
Huff… I still feel depressed. I don’t know why. I used to keep my depression for quite a long time and finally when I realized I have to throw my depression, I don’t know how… the best way to resolve this depression is by sharing it with my friends. But in the end, It turns out that I don’t know why I was depressed. I can’t tell them… which makes me of course crying over night sometimes.
End of part 1