Depressed… (part 2)

Eww… I’m being so pathetic on my last post. But yeah, sometimes people just don’t know when to stop. They just don’t know when to stop teasing me, or stop giving me homework, schoolwork, lifeworks, whatever-work. I’m the one who should say stop actually. Okay, this is my fault, I said, and they would ask “why are you being angry and blaming us over it?” haih… nothing much can be done about it. This depressed feeling seems to be coming from my wrong way of living, unable to tell them my true feeling; unable to decide which pace is the right one that would be beneficial for both me and my friends.

And today, I try to look around. The truth is I am an egoistic person with high self-concern… so I thought that I might work too hard for myself recently. I went out, wearing comfy clothes, for a while, enjoying the wind that I had never noticed, enjoying the sun that my friends said would burn you to death, enjoying all I can see, trying to be grateful with my presence…

I went out to have my book photocopied, and then I walked home. It’s only about 2 kilometers from my home. Normal girl would find it a torture to walk that far in quite sunny weather. ^^;. But I have quite a good stamina. I’m able to walk quite far without being exhausted. So I started walking home.

I met some senior high schools kids walking home also, some are teasing me. why walking alone… and such

I passed by three senior high schools girls who walked home. And one of them was like “wooi… nyantai dong!”… For them, I walked too fast. I realized that they thought I was a senior high school student also, as I walk out from their school direction. They don’t seem to like me walking that fast. Ahaha. Why bother. Including to those sinetron I’ve watched, they should stopped me and yell at me for pretending deaf-blind, and in the end, they would start pulling my hair and kicking me, and then I would elegantly and strongly drag them to police station, since I don’t like being hit, and the story might end up where I won the case and laughing at them for their stupid act.

It did not happen though, I passed them, and in a minute, they have disappeared from my sight. I guessed I might walk too fast.

Next minute, I encountered another boy smoking in front of me. I passed him, he didn’t care of me. He’s just a junior high school judging his appearance… I wanted to forcefully throw away his cigar, but it will just be a waste of effort. He could easily buy another one and smoke in front of me. (Hmm, to make it an analogy, remember the demonstration that are trying to have the oil price decreased a while ago? It’s just like me rudely throwing away the boy’s cigar, even if the demonstration succeeded to have the oil price go down, it wouldn’t last long, government could simply use another way to make the price go up, and in this analogy, they don’t need to find another way since they have the power). Okay, bad analogy I know.

Five minutes later, I passed small bridge, meeting a veggies’ seller talking happily with a student. I smiled as I walked by…

My smile stopped as I looked at the right side of me. I was actually looking at the path to my friend’s house. He has died six years ago. We used to be elementary school friend. I remember the whole school accusing him stealing my notes. I ended up hating him until then my mother wrote new notes for me. I didn’t meet him later on. He was a very naughty boy, every girl hated him. He threw bad jokes, his body was full of injury marks… showing his true attitude of being fighting lover… I was actually quite regretting my feeling of hating him, although the feeling didn’t last long because I did not really intend to hate him anyway, but yeah, it is quite a memory actually. Last memory of him was he jumped out the car which used to pick us during elementary. We separated afterwards. He moved to another school, and that news came a year later. He passed away. I couldn’t imagine how sad his parents. He was the only child. The cause of the death was unclear. He was actually heavily wounded on his chest… maybe he had another fighting with his friends and yeah… you know the rest. That was the last and only news I heard from those neighbors.

I continued my walk. The becak driver whom my father used to give calendars was smiling at me, as if he was greeting me. I smiled him back. He looked quite happy playing cards with others, having no passengers. “Well, life goes on”, I thought.

I almost reached my house. Encountering another two boys getting home from their school, I turn my walk to a shortcut; passing quite a big land on hill owned by a guy we called “pak Haji”. I passed the highest hill in my housing complex, and walked down the stone stairs prepared by I don’t know who.

I have to pass 10 more houses to reach my lovely home. I passed a house full of flowers. I know the owner of the house, she lived by herself, not married, dedicated her life teaching at university, and living happily. I used to meet her in the morning, walking to her church.

I saw another house, the owner had lost his wife… his wife was a funny woman, she used to walk around. I remembered her taking my brother home because my brother was afraid of dog, same with me. She is very fat, and later passed away because of disease complications. All of us were very sad.

Across that house was a house that not too long ago held wedding celebration. My parents went there, finding out that their wedding was not granted by one of the parents. But life goes on, in the end, people decide what to do, not parents. We supported them and prayed so they will have a happy life, hopefully, ever after.

I passed an empty house. The owner has moved, as the husband was fired during PHK. I don’t know where they moved, they left their big fat cat, and the big fat cat now comes to my house sleeping under my car like its own house. The cat is surely big and beautiful.

The next house is the one whose boy is studying in Information Technology, quite technical. I hope we could discuss some programming later on, but we actually have never met since we were child. The other neighbor who is also majoring in Information Technology was having his study abroad now. So, basically, I have no one to ask for help around my place of living. Forget it, we’ll just meet in the internet. Grandpa Google is actually more than enough.

I saw my back of my house, in a glance. Geez… why would somebody draw something so ugly on my wall and be proud of that? I could draw better than that.

I entered my house, straight into my room, and suddenly, everything doesn’t feel that bad. Everyone is actually facing their own misery. I’m not the only one who felt depressed for a while… and life goes on. I can’t lose to this life. I just have to start over, planning over my whole way of living.

End of part 2




4 thoughts on “Depressed… (part 2)

  1. Hmm. remember ur post with the picture. the girl that doing suicide is more or less like u now. ( the condition) hmm, just for an advice, just try to think positively and seen something as simple as possible, that would help.

  2. Henri: yah. i do remember. the differences is just i’m not jumping from building… thank you for the advice. i’ll try…

    Kijang: don’t understand the second message… don’t like them?… the third message… it’s not working. i have read these phrases since i was in junior high school. my best friend love this phrases so much, while i have different point of view of the phrases… but anw, thanks for sharing…

  3. well, just remember there will always time when people get their worst condition. gw juga dolo pernah kok. yg pas kasus gossip gw ama nad2 beredar ga jelas itu, am amasa2 gw MWE, apa lagi pas duitnya bbrp juta ga maw di balikin am abinus. T_T. yah.. just keep strong. it is true that we need others, but relying our self towards them is just make our self become pathetic. biasa, human ego. u taw lah. =p

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