Changing…

After quite a depressing day yesterday, I’m back to my routines. And frankly said, I’m surprised to find out that I could actually feel comfortable writing in English, although I can’t beat this woman when it comes to ENGLISH VOCABULARY. But, what do I care. I admitted my defeat already. How about competing in writing trashy joke blog?

Umm… I woke up today at 9, in a very starving state. I went straight to the kitchen to fetch some food, suddenly disturbed by some road singers. I gave them Rp. 500, and have my breakfast then. I realized I don’t want to talk to anybody today. So I left my handphone turned off. I didn’t open my laptop to run the MSN messenger like I always did. I actually stopped the life ritual routines. I ate silently, thinking what I should do today. I took my Oracle 9i (okay, it’s my friends’, not mine) and Web Programming holy book, staring at them… … … sigh… tomorrow is my final exam and I don’t feel like studying. But after a while, I took my note and start scheduling. I used to calculate how many hours I should study today, and I realized I woke up too early. I still have like 5-6 hours before I should start studying and went to sleep on time.

So I watched movie, and was disappointed by its undesirable ending. I didn’t know what to do, so I lied on my bed, thinking, and fallen asleep (again). I dreamt… It’s quite a dream… or, not a dream… but… I think I started to be able to feel my own spiritual soul… can’t tell you what it feels like… but that’s what I experienced today. It’s not a usual dream.

I then woke up at two in the afternoon, had my lunch. Basically I haven’t done anything except scheduling and watching movie. I was still thinking about my dream later, and how it didn’t feel like a dream at all… > <… suddenly I remembered I have just bought a book I haven’t read. I bought it the day before my hell depressing day. I didn’t know why I bought it. It was an unusual day where I suddenly felt like going to the bookshop to have that book. So I asked my friend to accompany me there and went to Gramedia Pondok Indah to buy the book. We went home afterwards. I didn’t know why I wanted so much to buy the book, but… I don’t know… I still don’t know… there seemed to be quite a power that moved me to buy the book that day.

The book titled “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. It’s written in Indonesia… and of course, it is cheaper. The English one is about a hundred thousand rupiah or more, so why spend more if I could get less. The translated one is only Rp 45,000. I opened the book and start reading. The book is about guidance to spiritual enlightenment. It’s written there…

And yes, it’s all about spiritual. I couldn’t write more since I have to start reviewing my lesson again. Let me quote some sentences inside the book:

“Dapatkah anda membebaskan pikiran anda kapan pun anda menginginkannya? Sudahkah anda menemukan tombol ‘off’nya? Jika anda tidak dapat, artinya pikiran mengendalikan anda. Secara tidak sadar anda mengindentikkan diri dengannya, bahkan anda tidak menyadari bahwa anda telah menjadi budaknya. Seolah-olah nyaris tanpa sadar anda dikuasai pikiran anda, sehingga anda pun menganggap objek yang menguasai itu sebagai diri anda sendiri. Permulaan kebebasan adalah kesadaran bahwa anda bukanlah objek pemilik itu – si pemikir (atau pikiran anda). Mengetahui hal ini akan memampukan anda mengamati objek itu. Ketika anda mulai memperhatikan si pemikir, saat itulah tingkat kesadaran yang lebih tinggi mulai diaktifkan. Anda kemudian mulai menyadari bahwa ada dunia kecerdasan yang sangat luas melampaui pikiran. Pikiran hanyalah sebuah aspek kecil dari kecerdasan itu. Anda juga menyadari bahwa semua hal yang benar-benar bermakna – keindahan, kasih, kreativitas, sukacita, damai di hati – timbul jauh dari luar pikiran. Anda mulai terbangun…”    

Confused? Me too.

But somehow I understand the meaning, and I feel like my presence became very peaceful after reading this book. This book is quite an ailment.

Hoam… I’m sleepy… so I’m gonna stop here. Thanks for reading. Oh, and I did opened MSN, and I received some messages asking whether I was appearing offline due to my depressing state =P. I did, although only 5 minutes, sorry I’m not in mood to reply any of your messages. As I said, I need time to reform my way of living and my way of thinking. Today, I have found one thing I have to change, and I’m still looking for another…

Please share your opinion regarding the quoted sentences =). Thank you. Really appreciate it.

Note: actually the schedule today is quite messed up… instead of studying for final, I actually spent some time playing with rails… doing stupid hard code, when suddenly I realized that rails provided the generators > <;

“Changing…” to be continued…

3 thoughts on “Changing…

  1. Not much different from the common definition on the books on Meditation. Basically you get more consciousness by activating the “mind beyond mind”, i.e. freeing up yourself from your mind. Maybe I should start recalling that one as well.

    Hahaha… don’t you think that Rails have everything you need ready in form of plugins and generators? :-D

    Well actually not, as you progress to a more advanced level, you’ll find some things in it that actually needs some degree of hacking to use it under custom circumstances. But hey, 95% of web programmers never reach that level… LOL…

    -Kurniady

  2. I really do think that even though u push urself to study, it won’t work anyway…

    just to remind u..everythin that goes up should go down…and when u go down, u have to remember to bounce back..that’s the way life turnin isn’t it?

    honestly, about the quote… I still haven’t found that switch yet.. somehow, I want to find it…sooner or later.. the only thing that I have now is I do realize the symptoms when I my mood was turned out.. at least from those symptoms, I know when I should take my break and stop pushin myself…

  3. Kurniady: yes, i get it now, the “mind beyond mind” is actually freeing yourself from being controlled by your own mind, where the book said, our mind 90% throws out negative thoughts. and as your mind become bigger than yourself, you can’t feel the being of yourself anymore… it also said that our mind is only a small piece of ourselves, to let it control you is not a good idea =). –the essence of meditation–

    rails…? i thought it was about scaffold only (since scaffold itself is already amazing), and of course i was really wrong. haha.

    Raynata: yes, that’s what i am doing right now. take my break and stop pushing myself, i thought meditation might be the right way, and yes. it is the right way actually. i’m feeling better right now, although it would take time, but i know i’m making progress. =D.

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